One more for the infamous Dudeman Files ( )
SOA Dudeman

These days I've been working security for a high rise condominium complex that opened in 2009. The original condo owners paid $500K for the lower end units and the top floor unit went for $8M. For those who have been living in a cave during these past few years, that was just as things were accelerating downhill in the U.S. faster than those legendary stuck-throttle Priuses.

Suffice it to say most of the original owners are long gone, replaced and/or survived by the few that could actually secure financing for a loan on a depreciated bank repo and those that are sticking it out for the next 20+ years waiting for economic recovery on their investments...or, as is the more common case: renters. Which translates to strippers, drug dealers, hookers, and pimps...followed by the more common various younger kids who are in way over their heads trying to keep up with the Jones's by dumping whatever they have leftover from rent into the club scene.

You know, posers.

Some of them own motorcycles. Very few of those motorcycles have ever been moved from their parking spaces. Of the dozen that are present the only ones I've seen come and go are a Zero, a 750 Aero (who recently moved out), and a Can Am Spyder (if that even counts). Suffice it to say, after six months working there I'm actually quite surprised that I haven't encountered a Dudeman there yet.

Well, that finally ended today.

This guy rolls up on a blinged out Street Glide with custom airbrushed paint, polished billet wheels, a bulky set of speakers/fairing on the engine guard, and numerous other bolt on farkles. Oh, and a set of pipes that drowned out the bulky speaker/fairing.

Wearing a Sons of Anarchy shirt.

I hadn't actually encountered one of those until today. I knew it was only a matter of time, what with that show entering its...what, sixth season now? Suffice it to say I was at the right place for it to happen. Oh, but it gets better.

As I get the newcomer's information and who he is visiting, we're waiting for the resident to call or show up to admit him into the building. In other words, we have some time for a little idle chit-chat. Me and the potential Dudeman.

Now the first thing I noticed about this bike? It wasn't the custom paint. It wasn't the expensive aftermarket rims. It wasn't the volume of the exhaust or even the volume of the poorly competing speakers. It certainly wasn't the half ton of bolt on chrome. Nay, the bike was missing the front fender.

So I had to ask: "Hey, what happened to your front fender?"

Dudeman "It's a custom bobber, man!"

Me: "Really..?"

DM: "Yeah, haven't you ever seen a bobber before?"

Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact I have. I rode one here this morning, recently sold another to a friend, and am currently working on a third."

DM: "So how come you didn't recognize THIS as a bobber?"

Me: "Have you actually looked up the history, or at least the definition, of a bobber?"

DM: "Dude, I KNOW what a bobber is. I'm RIDING one!!!"

Me: "Ah, sorry. I hadn't realized that bobbers these days were sporting things like valanced rear fenders, hard luggage, and fairing."

DM: (confused look)

Me (relief, as the resident had just exited the building to meet his friend): "Looks like your buddy's here for you. Head over to the right and the valet attendant will direct you to where you can park your bagger."

DM: "What's a bagger?!?"

Me: "Enjoy your stay, sir."