Decent or good jokes you've received in emails

[Clair]

Home Security System

How to Install a Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots,
size 14-16.
2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
magazine.
3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba,
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls--they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of
'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter

Blonde Joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee'.

[Prof._HH]

A magician decides to take an easy gig and gets booked on an Alaskan cruise ship. Every night, the ship captain and his parrot sit on the front row and watch the show.

After a month or so, the parrot starts to learn the magician's act and gives away the trick by saying things like "It's in his hat" or "She went out the back of the box". The magician develops a strong hate for the parrot but the captain keeps bringing it to the shows.

Late one night, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The magician finds a floating piece of wood to rest on. The parrot lands on the wood next to him and they just glare at each other. Finally, after several hours, the parrot says "I give up - where you hide the ship?"

[heather]

I was rear-ended by a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf as were the other people in his car.

He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started.

[Clair]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia He asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem Worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the Roads weren't paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would Like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you are getting old when everything Either dries up or leaks

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, But being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground With sticks, it was called WI tchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a Coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't Find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you Find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

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Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder
And your hand over my mouth.

[mudarra]

You know how to make a sweet little 80 year old lady say the "F" word?





Have another sweet little 80 year old lady sitting next to her yell "Bingo!"

[mudarra]

Do you know why Hellen Keller can't drive a car?










































She's a woman!

[bocbass]

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

[A_Pmech]

If the product fails, will our product liability insurance cover the failure until it turns 18?

[JustJake]

WHICH HOLE AM I ON?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'He thanked her and went back to his golf.On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?''I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.'No, I won't.''Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool. 'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!''That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!!

[SerenityNow]

I've got a couple, my buddy's always sending something:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

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(who knows if this one is actually true, but it's funny)

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

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What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?

"Will the defendant please rise..."

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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

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What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head. I'll give these two a lift!