RockyMtnRoadRash
11-10-2005, 11:15 AM
This is a story I submitted for my company's holiday party that helped me win a brand new columbia outfit. I thought it'd be fun to share:
Of Snakes and Skin
I will preface by saying that this is, as you may suspect, not a death defying climb, nor a harrowing tale of survival pitted againts the elements. It is however a bit disturbing and contains nudity, no less than 25 feet of snake, and a really exciting climactic fight scene atop a windswept pinnacle of rock. (Disclaimer: The last one is a big, fat lie.)
Late June: Ruthann and I decide we're going to go somewhere different this weekend for a change of scenery. The Uintahs are camper hell this time of year, and while I can understand the urge to enhance the outdoor experience with satellite TV, I don't have any particular urge to camp next to it.
So, off we go to Spanish Fork. Our little guidebook has an especially interesting trail called Diamond fork, which is both the right length for a good sized day hike, and features natural hot springs a little ways up, perfectly placed for a post-hike natural hot-tub session. Sounds perfect, sounds awesome, sounds like the day hike of the century.
Arriving at the hot springs we were greeted by two scary situations. First off, as I'm standing looking at the springs, something hisses down by my feet. Looking down I find I am standing more or less directly in the middle of an 8 foot long brown checkered snake. I didn't have a lot of time to assess whether it had the diamond shaped viper head of a rattler, so I did the only sensible thing I could think of, which was to make a really high-pitched yelp and leap several feet back into the personal space of the other 8 foot snake. Field snakes aren't poisonous, or even particularly interested in people who aren't stepping on them, so I escaped with my life.
The second frightening thing had just arrived, in the form of a big fat sweaty guy with a camo backpack. "Hi," he says amiably, "mind if I go skinny dipping?"
"Sure, whatever you want. This is the outdoors," I said, playing it cool. Having demonstrated how unshakable I was, I hauled ass out of there. Further up we found some other springs and sat down for a snack. Happily munching away on my granola bar, I could almost imagine that the forest went eerily quiet as a shadow fell over us. I looked up from my granola bar, afraid to turn around and see what was behind me.
FAT NAKED GUY! "So, are you guys hot springers?" he asked, staring directly at Ruthann's chest.
"No, just hikers!" I say, trying to keep the exclamation point quiet.
"You should try it, it's great," he says, eyes not moving from their target.
"Maybe after hiking!" I say, stifling another exclamation point and escaping up the trail.
A couple hours later we're heading back down. We're sore, tired, and the idea of a backwoods skinny dip in a secluded hot spring sounds like fun. Carefully we creep up on the uppermost spring. It's back in the woods and a pretty decent ways away from the main grouping of springs. No sign of anything Fat or Naked, which I take as a good sign. "He's gotta be gone by now," I say to Ruthann.
"Yeah," she says, sounding relieved.
Ok, one last look around as I unbuckle my pack and DAMMIT! Like some sort of Fat, Naked ninja, FNG has appeared on the path. It's like being in a goddamned monster movie, nothing can move that fast, nothing! I looked, there was nobody on that path a minute ago. Was he hiding in the bushes? Is this the fabled North American Arboreal Fat Naked Guy (Rotundus Nopantsicus Venerablus), who waits in the trees for groups with attractive women in them and pounces? He hunts by stealth, using his Fat Naked self to capture unsuspecting prey with their tops off. 12 meters? That's inside the room!
Hindsight is 20/20. A google of "Spanish Fork Hot Springs" brings up the site "Topfreedom.com" as the first result. Diamond fork hotsprings turns out to be a highly rated spot for the topless masses. To quote the site: "It is a great place to go topfree year around. Some people, men and women, even hike to the springs topfree. If you have never tried going topfree, you can get into the pool with your top on, and then take it off once you are under the water."
The internet is full of useful information.
Of Snakes and Skin
I will preface by saying that this is, as you may suspect, not a death defying climb, nor a harrowing tale of survival pitted againts the elements. It is however a bit disturbing and contains nudity, no less than 25 feet of snake, and a really exciting climactic fight scene atop a windswept pinnacle of rock. (Disclaimer: The last one is a big, fat lie.)
Late June: Ruthann and I decide we're going to go somewhere different this weekend for a change of scenery. The Uintahs are camper hell this time of year, and while I can understand the urge to enhance the outdoor experience with satellite TV, I don't have any particular urge to camp next to it.
So, off we go to Spanish Fork. Our little guidebook has an especially interesting trail called Diamond fork, which is both the right length for a good sized day hike, and features natural hot springs a little ways up, perfectly placed for a post-hike natural hot-tub session. Sounds perfect, sounds awesome, sounds like the day hike of the century.
Arriving at the hot springs we were greeted by two scary situations. First off, as I'm standing looking at the springs, something hisses down by my feet. Looking down I find I am standing more or less directly in the middle of an 8 foot long brown checkered snake. I didn't have a lot of time to assess whether it had the diamond shaped viper head of a rattler, so I did the only sensible thing I could think of, which was to make a really high-pitched yelp and leap several feet back into the personal space of the other 8 foot snake. Field snakes aren't poisonous, or even particularly interested in people who aren't stepping on them, so I escaped with my life.
The second frightening thing had just arrived, in the form of a big fat sweaty guy with a camo backpack. "Hi," he says amiably, "mind if I go skinny dipping?"
"Sure, whatever you want. This is the outdoors," I said, playing it cool. Having demonstrated how unshakable I was, I hauled ass out of there. Further up we found some other springs and sat down for a snack. Happily munching away on my granola bar, I could almost imagine that the forest went eerily quiet as a shadow fell over us. I looked up from my granola bar, afraid to turn around and see what was behind me.
FAT NAKED GUY! "So, are you guys hot springers?" he asked, staring directly at Ruthann's chest.
"No, just hikers!" I say, trying to keep the exclamation point quiet.
"You should try it, it's great," he says, eyes not moving from their target.
"Maybe after hiking!" I say, stifling another exclamation point and escaping up the trail.
A couple hours later we're heading back down. We're sore, tired, and the idea of a backwoods skinny dip in a secluded hot spring sounds like fun. Carefully we creep up on the uppermost spring. It's back in the woods and a pretty decent ways away from the main grouping of springs. No sign of anything Fat or Naked, which I take as a good sign. "He's gotta be gone by now," I say to Ruthann.
"Yeah," she says, sounding relieved.
Ok, one last look around as I unbuckle my pack and DAMMIT! Like some sort of Fat, Naked ninja, FNG has appeared on the path. It's like being in a goddamned monster movie, nothing can move that fast, nothing! I looked, there was nobody on that path a minute ago. Was he hiding in the bushes? Is this the fabled North American Arboreal Fat Naked Guy (Rotundus Nopantsicus Venerablus), who waits in the trees for groups with attractive women in them and pounces? He hunts by stealth, using his Fat Naked self to capture unsuspecting prey with their tops off. 12 meters? That's inside the room!
Hindsight is 20/20. A google of "Spanish Fork Hot Springs" brings up the site "Topfreedom.com" as the first result. Diamond fork hotsprings turns out to be a highly rated spot for the topless masses. To quote the site: "It is a great place to go topfree year around. Some people, men and women, even hike to the springs topfree. If you have never tried going topfree, you can get into the pool with your top on, and then take it off once you are under the water."
The internet is full of useful information.