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subvetSSN606
10-14-2005, 04:42 AM
I'm bored tonight... thought I'd resurrect a couple oldies but goodies....

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs
are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet
tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this
means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he
only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing
around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the
mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial
insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them
back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and
looks out at the pigs.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them
in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he
cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs.

He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs
are laying in the mud...







"No," she says, "but they're all in
the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

Tom

subvetSSN606
10-14-2005, 04:50 AM
How to make a woman feel like a woman

In a transatlantic flight,
a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up
in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've had plenty of sex in my life,
but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman!
Well, I've had it!
Is there ANYONE on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted,
at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up
in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long,
flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily
in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest
as he reaches her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt
to the trembling woman...







...He whispers, "Iron this."

Tom

subvetSSN606
10-14-2005, 05:01 AM
"The Gift"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but
not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he
went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk
mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the
package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.








"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."





Tom

subvetSSN606
10-14-2005, 05:08 AM
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."



Tom

subvetSSN606
10-14-2005, 05:18 AM
FLASH!!!!!

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or
software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead,
everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound
reasons
for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.


Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.




Tom

Prof._HH
10-14-2005, 08:20 AM
Very nice.

Another one for the airline messages:
After a smooth as glass flight and absolutely perfect landing, our flight attendent said something along the lines of:
Welcome to Indianapolis (time, weather....). We'll soon be at the gate proving once again that science and technology triumph over irrational fears and superstition.

Bugguts
10-14-2005, 09:02 AM
REDNECK COUPLE

A couple, both rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see
about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1out of
every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they
didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

GRYDE001
10-14-2005, 09:08 AM
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
>>
>>His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
>>underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
>>
>>She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
>>room-temperature
>>Canadian beef.
>>
>>She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
>>before it throws up.
>>
>>Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>>
>>He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>>
>>He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who
>>went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
>>with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
>>schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those
>>boxes with a pinhole in it.
>>
>>The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
>>his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
>>surcharge-free ATM.
>>
>>The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
>>ball wouldn't.
>>
>>McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
>>vegetable soup.
>>
>> >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
>>surreal
>>quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
>>at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30
>>
>>Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
>>
>>Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
>>grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
>>Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
>>p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>>
>>John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
>>never met.
>>
>>He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
>>River.
>>
>>Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
>>
>>The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
>>plan
>>just might work.
>>
>>The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
>>while.
>>
>>He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
>>real
>>duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
>>something.
>>
>>The ballerina rose gracefully on Pointe and extended one slender leg behind
>>her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
>>
>>It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
>>tools.
>>
>>He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
>>were a garbage truck backing up.
>>
>>She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
>>
>>Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
>>cleanser.
>>
>>She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Bugguts
10-14-2005, 09:09 AM
A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree. "
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little fartherand he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock. "
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a
couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to
each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike"